I turned fifty this week and I’ve been reflecting.
If I had known at 25 or 33 or 37, ages where I felt “old” (mostly because I wasn’t where I wanted to be yet), that I would feel so young and so good at 50, I would’ve relaxed a lot more back then.
Of course, you can only get these insights in hindsight and now I see those ages as sooo young. At twenty five, I didn’t know what I wanted to do for a career. I was trying to be a professional dancer, not that successfully. I was taking class and auditioning. I was performing with a small modern dance company, who paid in subway tokens (pre-Metro cards) so I was mostly a waitress and model for art classes. I was also just getting certified in Pilates, thinking it would be something to do for now.
At thirty three, I was doing well as a Pilates teacher but wasn’t married like 99% of my friends. Hell, I wasn’t even steadily dating anyone! I was in panic mode with anyone I dated which surprise surprise wasn’t a real attractive quality. I could see what I wanted for my life so clearly in my mind. Why wasn’t it showing up at age twenty eight like all of my friends??!! Alan showed up towards the end of my thirty third year on Earth and our love story wasn’t straight forward to the altar and babies. It took all sorts of twists and turns.
At thirty seven, I didn’t have the babies I wanted so very much yet. Even though I was older, I had confidence in my body that I could do it. My mom had five children and the last in her late thirties, as did my sisters. And it worked – I got my baby boy Shepard just after turning 39 and my Pippa Bird at 41.
Now I can say, and I hope this doesn’t sound obnoxious, that I have every single thing I’ve ever wanted in life. The perfect husband FOR ME, who supports me and all my goals and who’s not bad to look at either. Delightful children, who I don’t know what I’d be doing without. A big, crazy, loving family. The best friends, even though the last three years I’ve been the absolute worst at keeping in touch.
One of my 2023 goals that I was reminded of last weekend when I got to spend time with my high school friends to celebrate the first of us turning fifty, is just how fun it is to be in person and laugh until your stomach hurts.
I know bad things happen and could happen at any time. They’ve happened to me and many people I know- unfair illnesses, traumatic deaths, humiliations, guilt, total failure – all of it.
But right here, right now, I have everything I’ve ever wanted in life and I believe we all can have the exact lives we desire. They’ll look different from one another but you can have whatever life you desire. You have to get real clear with the vision – really see it! Then the magical universe gets to work for you.
I’m hopeful and excited for what’s to come in this next decade. Happy fifty to me!